Scratches
by chaoticcyanide
Summary: …And when your throat swells up to the point you want to scream, but you can’t find your voice…[Derek centric] [angst]


_**Scratches**_

_Prequel to __**Torn Edges**_

_PG-13_

_Summery: …And when your throat swells up to the point you want to scream, but you can't find your voice…[Derek centric [angst_

_--_

_Entry Sixteen_

_English Lit Class_

_Sophomore Year_

'I may be the most popular boy in school; I may appear like a God to most females, to anyone, actually, but apart of me is hidden, the _**truer **_part of me, anyways. The part I had because if I show, I will instantly be an outcast of society—hated amongst my friends, uncared for and perhaps, be put in therapy. No one wants to be in therapy and in all honesty, I believe I need it.

I may seem like I have no cares in the world, but I have many, I don't show it, because then, how can I remain like I do? I would be like Casey: overly stressed, over worked and a complete loser. I worry about everything, everyone, you know, normal, teenage stuff or so people would think. I go beyond that, I still live in the past with George and Alice still together, cheating bitch, I knew what was going on, Edwin was still pretty young and she was pregnant with Marti, so none of them caught on like I did. Late night sneaking in, smelling like cigarettes, booze and other things that are sickening. George knew what she was up too as well, but never said a thing, _never said a thing_.

I worry about my little brother, trying to live up to me, in being cool and popular, but always making himself seem more and more like a loser, I'm afraid he's going to get beat up on one day. I worry about Lizzie, ending up to the popular one of my sibs, but, I worry about the boys she brings home, what if they rape her in the future? What if…what if something happens to her? To Edwin and Lizzie? I worry about Marti too, a gullible little girl and if Alice-_whom I hate with a passion, dating some abusive bastard-_comes along and begs for authority, no doubt George will give in.

And there's Casey, overly worked and stressed as I mentioned before, she might work herself to death in the future and I'm scared she might die. And poor Emily, she's dating Sheldon, who in every way, should just **die.** He treats women like crap and Emily tries to hide the truth, but somehow, always fails.

The teacher, Mrs. Felman, told me to take this journaling seriously if I wanted to pass this class, but, in all honesty, I don't care. The last few entries were just random junk, nothing serious, just jokes, I must admit, are perfect, in all caps saying: **'I Do Not Want To Do This**.' Perfect, isn't it? Best way to fail, best way to get out of this hellhole, best way for everything.

And then there's one worry I have that's a complete secret and that is if people will see my scars. Both my mental scars and physical scars, tiny scratches along my wrist and upper arms that people cannot see, and the mental scars, I'm afraid of breaking down, finally admitting the truth.

That's why, tonight, after this entry, I will kill myself. I have amended myself, made up for all my sins. I have asked Emily on a date, I enjoyed it, she has a great sense of humor (how could I not notice that before?) and I was nice to Casey, bring her out for dinner as well (she has a lot to say, ranting about stuff, and then staring aimlessly off into space about her and Max), I was nice to Edwin and Lizzie, went to all of their games, paid for George and Nora's supper (my treat) and everything else I could think of, so no one will miss me.

When your throat swells up and you want to scream, but you can't find your voice, that's how I feel right now, I can't get rid of it, no one knows what its like to be like that, to feel worthless and mute about your feelings everyday. So insecure.

The gun is loaded and I am ready to meet Death in the face, so if anyone reads this, I am sorry for causing such grief.

With little scratches on my wrist bleeding

With little scars forming everywhere

This is Derek

Saying his goodb—'

"…_Sixteen year old Derek Venturi has killed himself last night, cops say around seven o' clock while his family was still out…"_

_**Click.**_

_**--**_

_I have no idea who 'Alice' really is, I believe that's Derek's real mothers name, if not, forgive me. Also, I have a Demily pairing coming up, that's actually really cute and light, but I'll be needing a beta for that, since I suck at writing cute or fluffy things, so if anyones interested, emails in my profile. Anyways, review and such._


End file.
